Post Thanksgiving Day Thoughts

 I had no idea it had been so long since I’ve visited my blog.  So much has happened in those months now passed.  Time flows through my fingers and around like fog swirling.  We are at the end of Marlee’s life, and the last three months have been an anxiety-producing roller coaster.  

One of my only two remaining sisters has been having mini-strokes, which have led to manic-depression and psychosis.  We are quickly approaching the one year death anniversary of my sister who died suddenly and tragically last December 28.  So much to try to process and come to terms with.

Marlee is in the end stages of Congestive Heart Failure, and there’s nothing else that can be done for her except try to keep her as comfortable as possible.  She’s rallied the last two weeks, but last night was a real struggle for her, which makes me start second-guessing myself on helping her cross the Rainbow Bridge several weeks ago, and which I will still do if I have to, in order to avoid her suffering unduly.  

For the first morning ever, Marlee is refusing to eat.  The vet keeps telling me that I will know when it’s time to help her cross, that when this all really kicked into high gear (about 3 months ago now), she would get to where she wouldn’t go out without being carried to do her business (which I’ve had to do for several days or more now), that she would stop wanting to eat, and he really thought she would probably die from a heart attack before I would have to make the decision to help her earn her wings.  Well, I guess that we are in those final days.

So many things that I will have to learn to do without her by my side, like how to sleep alone in the bed that she has shared with me for over 4 years now.  She turned 13 this past June, and she has been with me through so many happy times, as well as those heart-wrenching agonizing times.  Saying goodbye, in all of its many varied ways, is so very hard to do.