The roller coaster continues. Marlee is still with me, defying all odds. One minute she acts like she’s still fit as a fiddle, the next minute she collapses. My nerves are strung tight as banjo strings. My brother-in-law stopped by yesterday. She greeted him like she was a puppy—then immediately collapsed. After maybe 5 minutes she rallied. When I say she collapses, she literally just falls over, goes rigid, her heart and breathing stop, a couple of times she has voided her bladder and bowels and I’ve been sure she was gone. Then she will ‘come back to life’. The not-knowing is aging me in a big hurry. Every night when we go to bed I wonder if tonight will be the night she leaves me. I try to figure out in my mind what I will do if she dies during the night. I guess I feel like some kind of plan, any plan, will help me prepare for mechanics for dealing with that possibility.
So my pharmacist, who is such a good friend to me, has suggested that I just delete February from my yearly calendar. My birthday is the 26th, and not only did my other three dogs cross the bridge around my birthday—-one the day before, one the day after, and my beautiful beautiful Bayley on my birthday—-but my beloved, Randy, died on my birthday. So so hard to believe that he will have been gone 4 years on the 26th. Makes for some strange ‘celebrations’ but I do celebrate the beauty in each of those relationships. Of course, one has to have some distance from those sad events to be able to look back and cherish and celebrate the riches in each of those unique relationships. So, now, the question is, is Marlee waiting for my birthday to cross the Bridge, you know, just so we don’t break the tradition? 😏
I pulled some fabric a couple of weeks ago, cut and sewed and reverse sewed and sewed again one single Bear Paw Block. How hard can that be, right? Well, evidently for me, very hard. Of course it’s been ages, literally ages!, since I have tried sewing anything. I eventually got it together but it was a struggle. I am now working on piecing a bee block. We’ll see how that goes. I have really been hankering to just cut and sew for months now—-like I need another agitation in my life. LOL But there you have it. Sometimes I think I’m just a glutton for punishment. 😂
I took my Christmas tree down yesterday. I got it up just days before Christmas, and it’s artificial so why not leave it up for the whole month of January. I love the lights at night and in the early morning hours and on cloudy days. And I did so enjoy it. But now it’s in its box and headed to the basement. Maybe I need to think about hanging some fairy lights just for the warmth and coziness that they would cast. I’ll think about that.
12 comments:
sending warm thoughts your way ... hoping this is the February that starts you on a new/better path
We are going through the same kind of things with a couple of our pets, Ozzo, the dog, and Tuxedo, one of the cats; they are not acting/reacting like your dog, but they are getting older [both are roughly 18 or 19 years old] and do wonder if the end s coming closer and closer. But my job is to love them and care for them and make sure they are not n pain, and that's what we do.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Oh, my goodness, what a month February is for you. What a mix of emotions you must feel around your birthday. I can see how Marlee's condition would keep you on edge.
You need something fun to look forward to amidst all the stress and wondering. I am glad to hear that you are able to celebrate the beauty of each relationship.
I hope you can find some joy in the here and now, in the midst of it all.
Sending February hugs >>>>>>>
Oh, how sad for you. I lost my 17 1/2 yo cat, Fang, 2 days before Christmas 3 yrs. ago. He was having breathing issues along with other health issues and I decided that having him put to sleep would be best rather than letting him decline & suffer. That was THE hardest thing I've ever done (pet0wise) and I swore I would never get another animal, it was that hard on me. Last year, I saw the cutest cat posted on the animal shelter site and went for a visit. Guess who came home with me. I'm 69 so think she may outlive me which bothers me some but I love her so we will take it day by day! Thoughts and prayers for you during this difficult time.
Marlee. i send her love as she travels
Oh, Angie! You are in my prayers; I'm so, so sad to learn of Marlee's condition. My heart breaks for you right now. This month should be one that you could just fast-forward through, at least it's the shortest month of the year! Know that your friend in NC is lifting you up in prayer today. Sending big hugs~
Always in my heart dearest Angie. But now,extra prayers that you may move into the beauty in your heart and soul from the love that is never lost but always carried within your divinity of soul connection and in your deepest heart.
Sadly our deep hearts also carry deep trapped pain where the sudden, complicated,and intense PTSD anxiety and grief end up collecting until you allow them full freedom of release.
I know your beautiful spirit can do this in your own sense of time and timing. With my religious/spiritual upbringing I have always loved candles,rituals, and ceremonial altars for remembrance as well as release.
I carried my own PTSD loss with sobbing every day for a year before I was ready. It was too hard and too long but in 1997 I hadn't learned how to set them free from my grief,not theirs. They were free as yours are/can be.
Love to you dear one. Your generosity stays in my heart and soul lessons forever. You and your dear husband (and sister and beloved pets) hold yet a place in my and your place of heavenly life forever and ever. Never to be forgotten for their essence of true beauty of the true selves not the suffering earthly selves. Love and hugs for emotional and spiritual freedom release.
💜💝💜
gives "celebration" a whole new meaning :( February is also a big birthday month here, David's was yesterday. I still feel numb and in disbelief, as I am sure you do as well. My truest prayers are with you.
I.I'm guessing from your comment on my blog that Marlee is still with you. I know it's so hard. Sending you hugs.
February was my late husband's birthday, too, Angie. He was in a coma on that day in 2022 and died on March 2, although he woke up for over three days of holding hands and being present, for which I will be forever grateful.
Now I'm sorry I missed this post earlier but glad your comment on my latest alerted me to Marlee's approaching end. It sounds as if you are doing as well with that as it's possible to do, but there's no way to avoid the pain, and I am sending you virtual hugs. Randy and Marlee -- your pack!
I am sending warm thoughts and prayers for you Angie. Not just about this post but also about your current health situation that Michele told me about.
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