Daydreaming

Our weather is so strange now.  Today is supposed to be 70 and sunny after the fog (which we rarely have and I love!) dissipates.  Tomorrow 74 and sunny.  These warm summer-like days are a delight but throw me off.  They tease me into thinking that it is going to stay this warm from now on without any chillier days/nights, which isn't how it will be.  My heart yearns to be back at the lake, and I may go there tomorrow just to dip my toes back into the life that Randy and I lived there.  There is so much work to be done there, and I have to go back for lengthy periods of time this summer to get some of that done, but for right now, I just need to BE there, even for a few hours.  

I have noticed that I am having more anxiety to deal with in the last month or two.  Is this a normal occurrence after the ordeal that was last year?  I don't know, but it does make it harder for me to spontaneously do things, go places, just get in the car and drive now without a lot of over-thinking.  I am hoping that the more I force myself to do the things that cause me anxiety, that it will lessen over time.  This last year changed me in so many ways, both outwardly and inwardly, that I hardly recognize myself right now. 

March 2024

February ... I'm a Day Late

I'm a day late in acknowledging a new month.  And February is a big month.  My mom's birthday was the 8th, Randy's birthday was the 9th, my birthday is this month, which is also the date of Randy's death.  A month full of emotions.

I had a Telehealth appointment with a cardiologist!  I actually saw a real live cardiologist, well, through the phone!!  LOL. He said that I’m doing great from the surgery.  He did say that I have what they consider long Covid, he said that my heart is functioning 100% normally now, although it is smaller than it was before the heart attack and surgery.  I am at a higher risk of another heart attack during this first year of recovery, but my heart has healed beautifully, and is functioning properly.    It is scary, though, thinking that I am at risk of another heart attack.  

My heart rate covers a wide range during a day, with the low going into the low 40s, he is going to have me wear a heart monitor for 5 days to try to determine what is causing such a swing, and then decide what to do about that.  He is having the monitor mailed to me so that I don’t have to go into to the office to have it put on.  He said that a lot of their staff is out with Covid and that Covid is just rampant right now.  That’s why they changed my appointment yesterday to a Telehealth appointment.  

I knew without him telling me that I have no muscle mass left.  I have sat on my rear for most of the last year and not been able to lift anything, so I had started gently, every other day, getting on my bike trainer for a few minutes.  The doctor wants me to use the trainer and hand weights 4-5 days a week now. I'm up to 10 minutes at a time on the trainer and I will be adding 5 exercises with 3 lb weights to start with.  I was a bit surprised that he was going to increase it right now by adding the weight session immediately after getting off the bike.  But, okay.  That's what I will do.  He is putting in an order for me to start Cardio therapy at the Heart Center once Covid lifts some, just in case I feel like I need a professional to guide me.  

I think those are the highlights of what he told me.  I really like him, and I was right—he actually said it——no doctor knows now what to  tell me about what happened to me or what to expect from here on out.  He said that any data on this was pre-2000 (the year) and pre-Google because every one dies before they can get help.  So strange.  Oh and I had a TeleHealth appointment with the GP, and she said that I have Hashimoto’s Thyroid Disease, and that there is nothing to be done about that.  My thyroid levels are stable and she won’t change the medication.  That just means that my hair will continue to come out and that my skin will continue to wrinkle and dry out excessively.  Lucky me, right? LOL

2024---Happy New Year---May It Be So

 

 

Happy New Year's Eve

Year’s End

The stillness of evening
sinks
and settles ‘round me
like a gentle
threadbare cloak,
well used,
well loved.

The year is dying,
I feel it slip
shivering from my bones,
its days distilling
in my heart —
some so sweet
I smile and glow,
some bitter and stinging
like a wind of sleet.

When the dying comes,
when the moment of transition
shakes me,
can I look
to a new dawn?
Can I open
to a new day,
a new way?

Can I bury
an old grudge,
a recent hurt,
a jealousy,
a loss,
a fear
deep in earth’s darkness
and let the magic there
transform a thing of pain
into a thing of joy?

Can I plant a seed of peace,
cherish my effort
and watch an alchemy
of love push through?

May it be.

May the dying of this
well-worn solar year,
this cloak of time
be the birthing
of a shining sprout.
May the hopeful wings
of a new garment
unfurl in a morning
bright with possibility.

~ Rebekah Myers, “Year’s End”
copyright © by Rebekah Myers,
December 30, 2021

Art: Elaine Bayley
@bayley.elaineillustrations

Wishing for Snow

My sweet, sweet friend, Julie K., sent me this Churn Dash quilt that she made for me.  I was so surprised and absolutely delighted!!  Isn't it gorgeous?  And the kitties had to check it out right away.  They definitely approved.  Thank you more than words can express, Julie, for your kindness and generosity.  You are a beautiful soul.

We had snow showers yesterday.  It has been a long time since we've had any snow and I miss it.  I am such a kid about snow.  I had to go out in it, just HAD to!!  So I bundled up and took a walk in the swirling dancing snowflakes.  It was absolutely lovely!! I know it creates real difficulties for those who have to go out in it---to work or to check on someone, but selfishly I would love a big snow.  It's like it gives permission to curl up on the couch with a book and a blanket and spend the day, guilt-free.

I took another covid test yesterday evening since it's been almost 10 days.  It was positive.  I don't know what to think about that except that after the fun year of heart surgeries that I've had my immune system must be shot.  So I will continue to hibernate.  That is not a hardship for me.  I am such a hermit anyway, and I have hardly been out of the house this year except for doctors' appointments and walks on my street.  There are places I want to go, and people that I need/want to see, but hopefully there will be opportunities for those when we have warmer weather and I'm not so vulnerable to all of the viruses.  Speaking of viruses, they are all rampant here in my city, so again, it's not hard for me to choose to stay in.  I do need to get on Thriftbooks and order some more books.  

I am up to 9 minutes on my bike trainer, every other day, with very little resistance and at a snail's pace, but at least I'm on there.  It makes me feel like I'm making progress with healing from the surgeries.  Next week I will move up to 10 minutes.

Merry Christmas

 and Peace, goodwill, to All.

Christmas Eve

 

My thoughts go 'home' at Christmas and this Christmas Eve is filled with so many 'ghosts from Christmas' past'.  

Covid and Winter Solstice

My echocardiogram results from last week were really great.  It shows that my heart is healing beautifully, for which I am immensely grateful.  At the same time the nurse was giving me the results over the phone, she asked about my shortness of breath.  I thought it was just coming from CHF.  She said no, take a home Covid test-----and of course, in line with the rest of this lovely year, it was positive.  The doctor started me on Paxlovid this morning, and I really don't feel terribly bad, more like a bad head cold.  I didn't have any big plans for Christmas anyway, so I'll just laze through the holidays.

Our weather temperatures for Christmas Eve and Christmas are supposed to be too warm for Christmas to suit me.  Upper 50s to 60.  I'm a kid at Christmas always, and only want cold and snow.  None for me this year, though.  Right now it's a beautiful sunny day, high of 49.

December? Christmas?