"The Time To Be Slow" John O'Donohue

I'm trying to do some slow stitching every day.  Even if only for a few minutes, a few stitches.  I have pieced backgrounds for two small quilts, but that's as far as I've gotten with sewing fabric together.   My mind is like a butterfly flitting from one flower (thought) to another.  I have no idea what day I'm on most of the time, or what day it should be.  Took me quite a while this morning to realize it is Sunday. The unreality, the dislocation, the inability to focus... I'm sure I'm not the only one in this time of 'stay home' Covid-19 days that's dealing with this.  

Woke to Marlee trying to burrow under me because we were having thunderstorms.  Now the winds are really wreaking havoc, ahead of a cold front.  We've had a couple of days with temperatures in the upper 70s and 80s, it brings to mind the recurring thought that this is shaping up to be a really strange Summer.  Even those temperatures are strange for this time of year here.  We have some more daytime temps of 50s and 60s coming up after today, with upper 30s for a few nighttime temps.  Seesawing, just like my thoughts.  

This is the time to be slow, 
Lie low to the wall 
Until the bitter weather passes. 

Try, as best you can, not to let 
The wire brush of doubt 
Scrape from your heart 
All sense of yourself 
And your hesitant light. 

If you remain generous, 
Time will come good; 
And you will find your feet 
Again on fresh pastures of promise, 
Where the air will be kind 
And blushed with beginning.

John O'Donohue (From Benedictus)

First Day of Spring

I really didn't think life could get any stranger than this last year (2019) was for me. I was wrong. These days are really, REALLY strange---and scary. Marlee and I are knee deep in fabric and 'social distancing', 'staying at home' for my protection and every one else out there. I try to be fully present to all that each of these days hold, no matter how desperate and dire the news is with each new day.

“Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen. Repent just means to change direction — and NOT to be said by someone who is waggling their forefinger at you. Repentance is a blessing. Pick a new direction, one you wouldn’t mind ending up at, and aim for that. Shoot the moon.”

- Anne Lamott

It's Been A Year Since

Randy died.  What a strange year, full of extreme changes in my life, it has been.  I'm still quite numb, and still slowly finding my way in a new landscape.  I am beyond grateful for all of the loving support I've received over this year, debts that can never be repaid. 

Marlee and I are well.  Needless to say, I don't know how I would have made it without my Marlee.  She has been, and is, my main anchor.  She keeps me from drifting totally away on these seas of uncertainty.  What does one do without a little four-legged to keep one on some sort of daily routine?  She is definitely a creature of habit. 

I still have my love of fabric, but I haven't been able to focus long enough to really do anything with it.  I still pick up pieces, and lay them down again.  I hope to be able to gradually find my way back to playing in the fabric.

It's unbelievable to me that we are heading into Spring 2020.  We are having 60s temperatures all of this week, and the Daffodils and Forsythia are in bloom.  I'm focused on embracing each day as it comes, one day at a time...

Heart-broken

This is the hardest, most surreal post I have ever had to make.

My beloved husband, Randy, died on February 26, 2019.  I am totally lost.

December 30th Our 25th Wedding Anniversary

So, today marks 25 years of our commitment to each other.  The last four years for have been a kind of turbulent that I could never have imagined, and especially this year that is drawing to a close.  Dissension and hostility on both parts have marked this last few days.  R will be released from Rehab on Thursday, with home health.  He was seen and treated at Wound Care by Dr. Greenfield who is a wound care specialist, but is also a thoracic surgeon.  He did surgically removed dead tissue from all of the wounds, but did what I call an excavation on one of the wounds on R's left foot, and ordered that he have a Wound Vac attached.  He does have cellulitis in both feet.  We have no idea how long he will have this device attached to this wound, but I've been even more insistent that we stay in Kingsport at least for the 4-6 weeks that Home Health Nurses will be coming, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  He's insisting that he is going home---with or without me.  I have told him to go---and let me know how that is working out for him.  Total Impasse.  Happy Anniversary.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Wishes, everyone!

R Update

Tomorrow will be a week that R has been in the rehab facility.  He will be staying there until January 3.  Yes, Christmas and New Year's.   It seems he takes one step forward and 3 steps back.  He felt really bad yesterday and today.  He had a  couple of days when his legs weren't so swollen and weeping.  The wounds are slowly healing , but today his legs were weeping really bad again and he's very swollen.  I'm sure they will have to give him lasix again, and that will put more strain on his kidneys.  I feel so bad for him, and sad, and I'm trying so hard to keep his spirits up.  He's depressed over being there, and especially so because of the holidays.  He becomes very frustrated by all of it, and especially his inability to get his legs to work.  He said they feel like he has weights attached to them.  Between the cellulitis and the renal failure,  his body is having to fight so hard.  He's a very sick man, and this is such a vast, scary landscape that we find ourselves in. 

Update

R was finally transferred to the rehab facility yesterday evening .  He was surprisingly compliant with the move.  I think he is in the right place for him as they have skilled nursing, wound care, and three hours of physical therapy a day.   However, I'm as concerned about his mental abilities now as the other physical issues.  He seems more like himself earlier in the day,  but day draws into evening it's almost like he has sun downers syndrome.  So scary.  He qualifies for a 20 day stay under Medicare. 

Marlee and I are still with my sister, but had cleaners in the rental house yesterday,  and we started taking a few necessities in today.  We may spend our first night there tomorrow night. 

Really? It's December 12th? Really???

R has been in the hospital in a city an hour away from our home since Monday, December 3.  He is still in the hospital, and will be transferred to a physical therapy rehab facility tomorrow.  He may be there 3 days or 3 weeks.  I am hoping and praying for the longest time possible in hopes that he will recover some of his physical body strength, and that his open wounds will completely heal with the help of daily wound care and long-term antibiotics.  He has a yeast infection (candida) which the doctor says is hard to get---and hard to heal.  He also has a form of a strep infection, but not the kind associated with strep throat.  He has a bacterial infection in the wounds on his feet and right leg.  He is very weak, and is extremely wobbly in trying to walk on his own.  He is definitely a fall risk.  I am so relieved that I can't even put it into words that he will be cared for by professionals for some period of time.  I am emotionally and physically drained to the point of being functional, but just barely.

I have been at one of my sisters' houses in the same city that the hospital and rehab facility are located in. She has been pampering me and nurturing me and giving me tender loving care.  We got 10" of snow this past Sunday.  It snowed ALL DAY.  I was so relieved to be here at my sister's since we were snowed in on Monday.  Marlee and I have been here since last Wednesday (December 5) and will be here until this Friday (December 14) when Marlee and I will go to a house that we own as a rental property that is vacant right now.  We will make this our camp base for the time that R is in this city.  After R is released from the rehab facility, then we will have to make some decisions about where we will be for the next 3 winter months.  He wants to return to our remote (location) home...me, not so much.  I'm afraid I will need help with him that may not be able to get to us because of possible inclement weather and the horrendous road we live on.

So, this is where we are right now.  Just Going....One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, making each decision as it arises...

Thanksgiving Recap

R had doctors' appointments last Tuesday and Wednesday, and there is so much daily stuff that has to be done with only me to do it, and the taking to appointments as well (all of R's doctors are at least an hour away), that I didn't even give a thought to whether or not I would make any of my traditional foods for a proper Thanksgiving Day meal.  Thank goodness for sisters...my one sister that lives within an hour of me actually brought a box of her home-cooked food to us at the doctor's office on Wednesday afternoon so that we would have some special Thanksgiving Day food.  What would I do without my sisters, and especially the one that lives closest to me?

As of last Tuesday (November 20), R's blood work was "better, but not normal", according to lab work done on the 20th.  We will take "better", and hope that things continue to improve. 

Time is a funny thing.  The days each seem to speed by from morning to dark, yet at the same time, the minutes and hours can seem to stretch out into days'- long brackets.  I don't think I knew that a person could be so chronically, bone-deep tired and weary.  I seem to be going full speed most days, and then there will be a day or two thrown in the mix somewhere that I am just collapsed in a puddle in the middle of the mess. 

R has an appointment next Monday, December 3, with a Nephrologist (kidney specialist).  We are both apprehensive about it, and yet I will be relieved to have him seen by someone who can  hopefully tell us what is actually going on with his kidneys.  He is still retaining a ton of fluid, even though he's on a daily dose of Lasix.  He has developed another edema blister, this time on his left foot.  I'm still cleaning and dressing the wound each night on his right foot from a huge edema blister that got broken.

I look back over the path my life has taken to this point, and still can't figure out how this is where we have landed, at least for the near (and maybe far) future.

*I haven't been on the bike/trainer in at least 2 months, maybe longer.  I just got on it today and rode 1 mile, 9.20 minutes, avg speed 6.7.  Piddly amount, but at least it's another beginning.  Wasn't sure I would ever get on it again.  I have to say, though, my knees were so much better when I was riding more days of the week than not.*

Humble Quilts: Paradise: How We Can Help

Humble Quilts: Paradise: How We Can Help: So many heartbreaking stories coming out of California. I'm not sure why this tragedy has pulled on my heartstrings so much. Maybe it...

Trying

“I just do the best I can to face what life brings. That’s the secret, you know. That’s the way you change your fate.”

— ALICE HOFFMAN, THE RULES OF MAGIC

“Surrender means wisely accommodating ourselves to what is beyond our control.”

— SYLVIA BOORSTEIN

*Our hearts still ache for Bayley--October 2016*

“Let it come, as it will, and don't
be afraid. God does not leave us
comfortless, so let evening come. "
― Jane Kenyon, Let Evening Come

“The soul's bliss and suffering are bound together.” 
― Jane Kenyon